Posted in devotional, Education, LIFESTYLE, self esteem

God IS love (not what YOU think he is)

I’ve been training to work with old people who have dementia, but I know, I know in my Noah, that my heart is with young people and helping them avoid the pitfalls in life, because of  MY OWN  experience in youth. My own abandonment issues, my own self hatred and hurts ALL stem from the bizarre path I purposefully walked on, they all stem from WHO I let use me, I made insane choices and allowed downright lowlife types dictate my path for a very long time,  FOR YEARS.

I REALLY identify with transgendered people, only in that for years I have been inside a body, a mind that was wrong and I was acutely aware of it, I didn’t have a ‘thing’ like its my sexuality or anything, I just felt wrong, my mind (as an ADHDer) just thought differently, proccessed things differently and I KNEW it was different, I was different, I just didn’t know, couldn’t identify what it was.

It breaks my heart when I see a story or hear of someone trandsgendered who has been ‘put out’ by their family, I think wow, ‘isn’t it bad enough they feel ‘set apart’ already? THAT is when you need people in your intimate circle to just say, ‘you are awesome, ignore them’ to have THAT set of people push you aside must be soul destroying!

*And you Christians who spout hateful shit about these people? You should be ashamed, those people should  DEFINATELY be welcomed into the church, so their maker can bound their wounds and tell them, “I made you who you are, nothing happens by accident, you are WHO I made you, nothing happens by accident. I died FOR YOU! NOT FOR THE PERFECT PEOPLE IN THE BLESS ME CLUBS! I DIED SO YOU COULD COME TO ME, JUST HOW YOU ARE”!

Those who deny this, deny that God is all powerful and in control! He IS God enough to rule the universe, but he is your father enough that he KNEW YOU from the foundation of the world! YOU! YOU young person who feels wrong? YOU young person who feels like he can’t touch and heal your pain?

Oh and just like, btw? Your flesh (your body, mind, will and emotions) Can NEVER be saved, its your spirit the so called church SHOULD be concerned with, even us ‘straight’ peeps? Yeah, we fight our flesh, ALL THE TIME, but it is already lost, and its your SPIRIT Jesus is interested in. And what is interesting is, your spirit has NO gender! Now, THIS can be applied anywhere. When you come to CHrist, your spirit is dead and in a poor state, HE steps in and it becomes alive and you know what the criteria is for him to come in? The ONLY criteria is that you are lost, I was lost. I mean REALLY lost and let me tell you, I gave my heart to him at aged 11, but a series of events that took place after meant I started to run from him.  I ran away from him and into sex drugs and lawlessness.  Now get this straight from the start, HE was there the WHOLE time, but I built walls, I hid from him, I hurt SO bad, I just would run, Id hear his voice and block my ears. The funniest thing was he STILL took care of me and protected me, sustained me, I can look back and see how he was there, like, ALWAYS? He’d point me in a direction of blessing and I ran away into the arms of lack and instability to spite him, I mean REALLY! I remember when my son was around 3 or 4, I used to get paid on mondays, I got my money and went straight to a chemist and bought 72 solphadine (as it was called back then & you could buy that many back then – it was paracetamol and codienne) I went home, put my son down for a nap, then ritualistically got a drink (a good soft drink I liked) and I took EVERY last one. Now afterward I was sick for 3 days, like vommitting continually for 2 of those days, but then I just recovered, life went on. The people in my life at that time KNEW what I did, none called authorities, they were all too concerned that their own lil ilegals would be revealed. I remember feeling I was a mistake before this happened and after instead of thinking “WOW I survived!” I just felt “OMG I can’t even kill myself right!” THAT was my mentality. NO ONE who loved me knew, NO ONE who loved me was allowed in my life at that time, THEY couldn’t see how damaged I was, I couldn’t ask for help (for then they would know THEY were right and I was wrong) I was a stupborn lil bitch, but he was there, whispering in my ear, at one point I thought, whatever you got destined for me Lord, I’m gonna f*ck it up for you, I DECIDED to die, but he had other plans! He didn’t let me.

Now according to the bible itself ANY sex outside marraige is wrong? OK lets go with that, I would sleep with ANYONE who could keep me warm, any touch given I would respond to, I was lonely and frightened, I allowed men to use and abuse me, my first love beat me black and blue, my second used me for sex, my third beat me so bad he ACTUALLY knocked my adanoids clean out my head. Because I never valued myself, I went for councelling at my mums church, their soul focus was I was sleeping with a man outside of marriage, fair enough, but I had also suffered a stroke at aged 15, THAT was what I desired councelling for but ‘that’ is all she went on about, I HATED the church, I felt like a circus freak, ALL they saw was a single mother who MUST have slept with someone outside marraige, INSTEAD of seeing a lost little girl with no skills to deal with ‘the world’ and SO damaged and lonely she couldn’t deal with her life. THANK GOD I had a PERSONAL relationship with Christ himself, HAD I NOT I dread to think what my life would be. PLEASE, young people? DONT JUDGE CHRIST BY PEOPLE! I HAVE to say, my experience with that ‘councellor’ put me off church, but my personal relationship with Christ himself meant I hungered FOR HIM!

SIDE NOTE: I just want to say, through videos on youtube (mostly I have to admit T D Jakes) I learned ALOT concerninng the true Christ in me, I hungered for him and found him there!

I digress -ish 😉 HAD I NOT ALREADY found Christ, had he NOT already been in me, I wouldn’t of had anything. As it was, I felt him, I WAS angry at him. BUT he was REAL to me, he was my lifeline, I got to know him in a way that makes my mind boggle when I see the hate SOME Christians spout, BECAUSE in reality, God is a GOD of love, he knows NO hate, he HATES the sin, BUT HE LOVES THE SINNER. How would sending your son to die for SINNERS (?) make sense if he didn’t?  “yeah, but it says we should burn them with fire in the bible”!


Basically, there were ALL these laws right? Like you think of ten commandments? Well in actual fact there were hundreds, about what you could and could not wear/etc THESE were designed because God WANTED relationship, but his very nature is such, the people HAD to abide by these or his nature would cause said person to … well kinda blow up, like a chemical reaction? God was kept in the temple, behind a curtain to PROTECT HIS PEOPLE?

So, what he did was send Christ, all the things that seperated man from God, he put these ONTO Christ, these things HAD to be punished (concequences required) So he gave Christ what WE deserved? Then he gave US what Christ deserved. Meaning in a round about way, that basically, when he sees us, he sees Christ.  Its also interesting to know at the point when he died? The curtain behind which God dwelled, SPLIT down the middle and God was able to come out the box as it were 😉

So grace was born :D, basically when you give you heart to Christ, ALL your sins are forgiven, pushed under the mat if you like, SO, WITH THAT IN MIND…

YOU ARE lets say for conjecture… GAY, you are attracted to your own sex. You go to Christ, he sees you, sees your sin and says…?

‘I LOVE YOU’! He then welcomes you in. WHY? Because God dont rate sin, a murderers “sins” are the same as a thiefs “sins” There are no BIG or BIGGER sins, to him, a sin is something that seperates YOU from HIM, THEY ARE ALL THE SAME! So, he says welcome, I love you, your sins are forgiven.

Then you ‘f*ck up’ you go to him and say ‘I f*cked up, (yes really, that vernacular) I’m so sorry and you know what Lord, this is a real issue in my life, I aint even sure i wont do it again, but im gonna try, cos I love you’ he says, “your sins are forgiven” THEN the following week/day/hour you go back. You say ‘Lord I f*cked up again’! He says, ‘what do you mean again’?

You know why? (and this is undoubtably the coolest thing EVER) He CHOOSES, yes that’s right CHOOSES to forget your sins, they will NEVER EVER be held against you! EVERY time you go to him, and repent (CHOOSE TO TURN AWAY FROM YOUR F*CK UP) He wipes that slate clean.

Because of this, I was able to stop running, because this person, this Christ, this God, LOVES ME and through learning of this UNBELIEVABLE, IMMENSE source of love, I could see myself through HIS eyes. Do you know how he did this? He gave me THREE children with hidden disabilities, THREE WONDERFUL naughty(most of the time) children and he said to me. ‘If you in your imperfect way, can love them SO perfectly? How much MORE can I love you in my PERFECT way’! And I was like ‘WOW’!



So, I KNOW, if my son came to me and said, I think “I was born in the wrong body and I want to put my body right”! That aside from my heart breaking at the pain he must have been in his WHOLE life, I would NEVER STOP loving him, how could a PERFECT, ALL LOVING, FATHER feel ANYTHING BUT love and compassion. It says in Jeremiah,

“…before I formed thee in the womb, I KNEW THEE’ So, do you think ANYTHING in ANYONES life is a surprise to God? SERIOUSLY?

And seriously, you choose to live well, because you love him? But even if you start a running and you jump headfirst BACK into the sin, HES STILL THERE, STILL LOVING YOU and you are STILL SAVED BECAUSE YOU ARE HIS! ITS LIKE SO PERFECT 😉

My flesh, LITERALLY crawls when I hear people espousing to be Christian but then spout hateful, hurtful things about esp the transgendered/gay communities BECAUSE When asked what the MOST IMPORTANT commandments were CHRIST HIMSELF SAID ‘To love the lord thy God with all they mind, with all thy heart and with all thy soul’ AND ‘TO love thy neighbour as thyself’ So who’s breaking commandments now? 😉 I mean come on people, it ain’t rocket science!



A single mother of 3 adult children. I am a writer, with ADHD focused atm on a novella concerning ho mental health affects not just the mentally ill but society as a whole. A Christian, my inspiration is drawn from the love of the almighty and my own experiences with mental health and how only through self-love and acceptance and identifying with Christ as who you are IN Him, can you navigate its pitfalls! I'm not where I want to be but thank God I'm not where I used to be!

One thought on “God IS love (not what YOU think he is)

  1. Reblogged this on ANDREA'S BLOG and commented:

    He IS God enough to rule the universe, but he is your father enough that he KNEW YOU from the foundation of the world! YOU! YOU young person who feels wrong? YOU young person who feels like he can’t touch and heal your pain?

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