FOOD DIARY! (embrace your bones)

Okay, I accept my weight! After over 25 years of trying to gain weight (unsuccessfully) being berated for being too skinny (your not a real woman, you have no curves – blah blah) I realise, I wasn’t MEANT to have curves, I’m built like my fathers sister, their mother (my grandmother) ACTUALLY my mothers family were ALL slight and size 8’s too (plus 5 foot and under) I HAVE TO ACCEPT, I WASN’T BUILT for carrying weight. The materials that WENT INTO building me, are what they are,  my DNA doesn’t have the substance required for carrying fat) ALSO I get depressed? Weight FALLS off! So I have the susceptibility to lose GREAT amounts of weight by missing a single meal! MANY women DREAM of that, I ACCEPT that is THEIR dream, but it is MY nightmare!

Because, of course I’m ADHD! I forget to eat! I’m on methylphenidate, a drug that supposedly suppresses appetite, I COULD go on something else, but to be quite honest after A VERY LONG TIME of going from drug to drug, methylphenidate is THE one I’ve found treats ALL my symptoms and compared to the side effects of others, its a side effect I can overcome, because FOR ME it doesn’t suppress my appetite, it causes me to have my wits about me, so I REMEMBER to eat.

I am hovering on the 40 Kg mark presently (before y’all scream) I have been hovering there for OVER 20 years, it is my STANDARD weight, plus, if your thinking of someone of average height, you’d be WAY off, I am 5 foot tall! It’s STILL underweight, but the GP is unconcerned as it has been a constant for that long. I, however, HATE IT!  Especially now as after 3 kids and being 40, everything that USED to be pert and firm, well, ISN’T?

Part of me is angry, angry that BECAUSE of society’s perceptions of beauty, I am not allowed to love my shape! ITS UNHEALTHY! And it sends a bad message! But I’m not a role model to millions, I’m a 40 year old stroke survivor, with ADHD and 3 ADULT children! I want to be confident, I AM confident! I have learned over the years to LOVE ME to love my flaws (or at least ignore them) and seriously, after 3 kids? I have a TOTALLY flat stomach and NO stretch marks … but …  to REALLY embrace ME, I HAVE to embrace my bones, tell me, HOW do I do that?  When society is telling me I look ill/like a drug addict/anorexic? But its more than society telling me, I can see my bones across the top of my chest, I can see the shape of my ribs and it shames me! THAT PISSES ME OFF! Because I look at myself and say. “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE THAT”! but inside I think. “NO ONE IS GOING TO LET YOU”!

So, I am going to use my ADHD, make it a hyperfocus, keep a food diary (on here) as to what I’m eating and how often! I ain’t gonna measure portions/ count calories (I have small/average portions, just so u know) or any shit like that, just get into the routine of not only eating but writing it down, the timing is good as I’m also in a fitness program to increase my stamina, so not working yet.

I don’t own a scales, but thats probably a good thing, I DO get my weight taken every month at GP’s, so lets see how it goes! I’m not very hopeful, but at least I can see that I’m eating and where that’s where my focus will be maybe it’ll make me eat more!

 

 

 

Okay the food Diary thing? TOTALLY unrealistic, however, I have set alarms, when they go off I eat, gained a whole half a stone in a month and am still gaining, although right now? I’m attempting to eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast and after two tea spoonfuls I already am sick of it, so am forcing it down and its dead nice cereal! Go figure! I’ve found breakfast is the hardest meal of the day for me, it’s like my body can’t digest food this early IDK but I’m persisting! The goal is 8 stone in three months, but we’ll see, not sure I can keep this up! 😉 But society deems to look acceptable I have to and it isn’t hard to do EVERY day, just most 😛

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