I’m okay really!

I’m pretty cool, I KNOW this, I’m REALLY good at encouraging others, that’s why I’m aiming for teaching. That’s good right?

I’m the one who says to you “Of course you can do it! YOU’RE AMAZING”! AND I’m honest too, so it will be “Course you can do it, but you might wanna put the crack pipe down first” 😉
No seriously, WHATEVER is in you that is good, decent and positive? I WILL see it and attempt to pull it out of you, come hell or high water you WILL walk away from me feeling better about YOU! However, I’m not sure I will ever feel better about me

Because, to bring some balance to the situation, I am ALSO useless! EVERYONE likes me, but I am sick of me! 😉

My self esteem struggles didn’t start at any particular age, they were just ALWAYS there, I was wrong, I KNEW this as early as nursery school, I would copy other kids, because THEY weren’t wrong like me, I was wrong, I couldn’t (STILL can’t) articulate just WHAT that wrongness was, well I can, I was ADHD, THEY were not!

I WANTED to learn an instrument, I WANTED to learn stuff, but my brain works like this…

THIS TOTALLY UNIMPORTANT THING THAT YOU HAVE AGES TO COMPLETE is in your head today.
YOU should BE DOING x, y, z, THATS as much info as you get, but you’re not going to do x, y, z, because I AM YOUR BRAIN and I’m going to hide it! MORE than that, I am going to make sure you can’t even begin to figure out where to start it, so, it COULD be x, y, z, OR maybe its actually y, x, z, HAHA YOU WON’T KNOW!
PLUS that thing you want to learn? You CAN’T cause you need to y, x, z, first! I’m going to let you KNOW that, but ALL YOU’LL feel IS ‘there’s something I SHOULD be doing’ but you won’t be able to work out what THEN cherry on the top, I’m going to make you FULLY aware that you SHOULD be doing it to the point you will feel anxious, SO anxious the totally unimportant thing you have ages to complete? Yeah, you won’t EVEN be able to do that, the result being you will do FUCK ALL, ALL day and be left wondering WTF is with me!

THATS my life! Sad thing was, I thought EVERYBODY was like that, so they achieved stuff? I was like THEY CAN WHY CAN’T I’? That leaves a residue people, now 30 odd years later I get diagnosed with ADHD hurrah! Yeah, hurrah for a bit, until you realise you were THAT for SO long, you FELT that for so long you CAN’T feel ANY OTHER WAY…

and it’s bloody exhausting, so I determine to stay in the background CONTINUALLY encourage others and just hide it.
YOU KNOW THE BEST WAY TO HIDE IT?

BE EXHAUSTINGLY BRIGHT AND bubbly and funny all the time!!! FOCUS on them! Spouting that THEY CAN when you won’t, that makes you a hypocrite and I HATE HYPOCRITES!

If I meet you and I’m nice to you though, I’m not being fake, I’m nice because EVERYONE has SOMETHING nice about them, has a talent, a gift, I genuinely will HOPE that is in you when I meet you, because I understand pathology and value EVERYONE! It’s my gift and actually, it’s one I treasure, the gifts born out of pain ARE the most valuable after all!!!
So actually, maybe after making you feel better, I will walk away from you feeling better myself after all 😉

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