The ADHD Christmas…

First, I know I said I wouldn’t post again before Christmas. (I also stated I couldn’t make promises, but that is by-the-by ;))  But I felt, this one might be important (I have ADHD priorities isn’t really my strong suit, either. So sorta sorry, but also, not sorry 😛 )

The hardest thing about having ADHD is the realisation, not all people think like you so they don’t understand your actions for precisely that reason. Especially the actions that you seem to do repeatedly without any seeming ‘learning from your mistakes.’

A great example of this, for me at least, was and is Christmas. Presently, I am blessed in that my partner is very understanding and has his wits about him (literally the opposite of me in EVERY way) However, it wasn’t always so…

I was a single mother on income support and how I handle Christmas was…

You would (if on IS) get two weeks money and that’s when I would do the shopping, literally blowing all my money (meant for living) on presents for everyone, THEN I’d be living on handouts over the festive season (lucky for me, people’s hearts would be open because of that very season.)

I never learned, I never did it any different, even after the first time of excruciating embarrassment due to asking for food/money for electric. No! I get that £100 and go fucking nuts! I was a grown woman, acting with money like a child.

Presently, my partner has been buying shit for AGES for Christmas and this has been the longest Christmas of my life and it’s agonizing, I should have received presents and it SHOULD be over, but alas the agony continues and I feel like time has stood still or something. It just doesn’t feel right.

ADHD is actually A LOT to do with extremes. It is very close in this way to bi-polar and can be misdiagnosed as such because of that. I am literally high as a kite or suicidal, there is no in between. However, with bi-polar, you may be high (or manic) for months/years or depressed for similar lengths of time, with ADHD it resembles more a yo-yo effect.

For me personally, I can soften the edges of a severe depression because of my unique ability to forget about it. So, I get that feeling? I distract myself and become absorbed in something so completely I just don’t think about it and slowly my memory of it becomes more distant. Although, I WILL experience a kind of tapping on my shoulder. I don’t know what it is! BUT, I KNOW it is bad and actually, this is where the worlds I create in my writing helps. I can go, ‘no, I’m going to think about how I can put this character in and tree and throw stones at them. I am NOT going to think about that.’

Equally, I can suddenly be extremely happy and have NO CLUE why. I mean NONE. I mean floating on air, chatty as fuck (whether I’m alone or not) However, THIS? Is a rather nasty double-edged sword.

Physiologically excitement and anxiety are the same. So this happens.

ME: Oh my God, I’m so excited!

MY BRAIN: Are you sure?

ME: I’m sorry, what?

MY BRAIN: …nothing!

ME: No, carry on.

MY BRAIN: Do you know why you’re excited?

ME: Not really!

MY BRAIN: …you know how you forget stuff?

ME: Don’t remind me.

BRAIN: Indeed, something incredibly bad is about to happen. That’s not excitement girl, that is terror.

ME: Oh shit!

So, Christmas-time is a mixture of trying to not be reminded of anything depressing and fighting excitement/anxiety!

Yeah, it’s great 😦

 

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