I am sorry I have the memory of a brain damaged ferret

I look at the photo of friends section on my facebook page and I have no idea who most of the people there are.
The aggravating factor is, I friend people due to them being (mostly new) authors and through twitter (through the ‘like my facebook page’ message) It IS My personal facebook page, not my author one.
I want you to know I value people on facebook a great deal. I have some of the most satisfying and (believe it or not) full relationships with people I have yet to meet in person.
But you see, I have the memory span of a ferret and not just ANY ferret but one who has been hit in the head numerous times. I cannot tell you a number of times I have lost WHOLE conversations and not ones from years ago, sometimes these conversations took place a few days before, more recently and more alarmingly are those conversations lost, from the day before or, horror of all horrors, earlier in the day.

Before being diagnosed with ADHD I genuinely thought I was developing dementia. And yet still, with the full knowledge, it IS the ADHD the alarm I feel is no less. When I say something and someone says. “Yeah, you said that earlier…” and I have ABSOLUTELY no recollection of it is THE most terrifying thing ever.

You feel like you are losing pieces of yourself. I’ve lost people as well.ย  People I hung around with in primary school? GONE! The amount of conversations I’ve had where someone has approached me and spoke to me as though I was a long lost friend and I have NO IDEA who they are, that sinking feeling of. “I should know who you are, shouldn’t I?” How do you get out of that without offense?

I feel that same alarm sometimes when I look at those photos on Facebook. IT’s the ‘WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL? WHY DO I NOT KNOW YOU? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Then relief, ‘You friended them on twitter, you’re supporting authors remember?’ But, THAT ‘alarm’? It takes a while to stop feeling that. And then I feel bad, I should be engaging more, right? Then I feel daft for putting so much pressure on myself, I DO engage, more often than others sometimes, some people just do not engage back, but I forget some of them too. So, I just gotta accept that and not look at the photos section of Facebook! Problem solved! Until I forget and do it again ๐Ÿ˜‰

Oh to have a memory! What’s THAT like?

No, really? What’s it like?

Oh and happy Christmas just btw ๐Ÿ˜‰

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3 thoughts on “I am sorry I have the memory of a brain damaged ferret

  1. I can empathise completely. Through various problems, beginning with ECT, then many years of horrendous stress, all culminating in a stroke ( followed by several mini ones) my memory is shot. It’s not helped by having fibromyalgia which notoriously causes ‘brain fog’.
    I too was though to have dementia, which has now been disproved. Like you, I frequently don’t know who I’m talking to & pray that they will give enough hints for me to suss who they are.
    Strangely, as I’m getting older it’s less of a problem. I try to laugh it off. Real friends know that I have this problem, most online friends don’t. My memory span is about as long as yours & I’m always getting into trouble for forgetting letters, appointments and the like. Once I even mistook my nieces best friend for my niece!
    I know it’s hellish but could be worse. Now at least you’ve put it in a blog, many people will know & hopefully understand. I certainly do.
    Keep smiling,
    Rosie x

    1. Thank you SO much, I had a stroke at 15 which caused me no end of issues, now I have no idea whether it’s my limited attention span or the stroke, it makes not a lot of difference, I suppose. I know of this ‘brain fog’ you speak, it’s horrendous. I never thought of my blog being comforting in the way you have expressed until now, so it is tremendously important to me that you have expressed such. I forget appointments ALL the time. What’s amusing and annoying is when I forget appointments for ADHD clinic and they sign me off, it’s like ‘you obviously do not need our service’ then, they get me, on the phone stating’ Are you serious? You run the ADHD clinic, are you aware of the symptoms? Me forgetting is precisely why I need the appointment!’ Insanity. But knowing people like you are reading my blog entries makes all that seem unimportant. (they’ve signed me off permanently now as all they can offer is drug therapy and you need more than that to treat the symptoms, at least Ii do, my drug management isn’t ideal, but hey, it gets me through!) So thank you, for appreciating my insane abstract ramblings, it means more than you can imagine xxx

      1. I’m glad that my reply helped a little. Feeling alone when life is difficult is the worse thing ever! Keep on keeping on, I’m sure that putting things into the written word will help you make sense of things (as well as highlighting some of the absurdities!)
        Take care
        Rosie x

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