WORDS HAVE POWER! I actually wish sometimes, they didn’t but they do! Why do I wish they didn’t? READ ON…
It’s the new year! Time for resolutions? Um, no…
I have ADHD! I don’t learn from mistakes but I gave up making new year’s resolutions, YEARS ago! Why? The ONLY resolution that would count would be ‘Stop being me!’ and let’s face it, no-one can do that!
So, I have ADHD but conversely, I DID learn something! The ONLY way I can move forward is to embrace ‘being me.’ EVEN when it hurts (as often it does)
It’s SO difficult mixing with people because I ALWAYS come away feeling… ‘I need to BE ‘someone’ else!’
I talk WAY TOO MUCH! I divulge WAY TOO MUCH information. Yes, I can use my words to great effect to infuse people with confidence in themselves, I CAN lift people but this beautiful weapon I have is a double-edged sword and no matter my intentions, I CAN pull people down unintentionally and I CAN pull myself down, also.
I have this thing sometimes where I might say something that amuses me and it can be cruel, I ONLY said it because it was amusing, an observation that is a little vicious, said in a throw-away manner because it made me chuckle or was clever or was just in my head. (WHY DO I DO THIS WHEN I KNOW WORDS HAVE POWER? Because ADHD means I forget that, sometimes) The worse thing is, I SEE IT sting them and make it worse trying to over explain it or dismiss it. These comments stick with me and make me feel AWFUL but I KEEP DOING IT and I hate it.
I AM aware that 15 minutes with me is COMPLETELY exhausting for some people and sometimes beyond annoying! I’m learning to be mindful but unfortunately, it is a long time learning experience and I’m not QUITE there yet. THESE little comments I MYSELF make just make me feel the odd time I lift people just aren’t enough. I can lift people 9 times out of 10 times, but that 1 time I ‘fuck up’ NEGATES ALL the 9 times.
HOW can I find a balance? Where I ONLY lift people; and lift myself? Short answer? I can’t! ALL I CAN do is keep my focus on the 9 times and accept that 1 as collateral damage, I suppose. IF ONLY it was THAT easy!
Talking is my gift but it is also my curse! It costs me SO much to the point of self-hatred, sometimes. The sad thing is I can see where it could bring me (& OTHERS) great happiness but I can’t quite grasp the right end of the tiger and I seem to get the toothy end more than anything and even when I do grasp its tail, the fucker turns on me 😦
A small comment or conversational exchange can stick in my mind and reduce me to tears no matter the intentions of the person speaking. AND IT IS ALWAYS CONCERNING MY VALUE! I just do not feel I AM valuable OR that I offer anything of value.
THIS is ADHD! It swims around in our minds, sometimes we aren’t even aware! We just FEEL bad about ourselves but this is ADHD, we aren’t going to stop the behaviours, no, we are going to step up in our ability to annoy, in our outrageousness because… you know what? I DON’T even know why.
I strive for respect but act like a child 24/7, WHO is going to respect that? NO-ONE! I DON’T WANT TO BE THIS! I DON’T WANT TO BE that aspect of ME! HOWEVER, there are some parts of ADHD I DO like and embrace! Even if, it’s just that people can be thankful they’re not worse than me! Like, they can think… “WOW! I’ve got it bad but at least I’M NOT HER!’
And I suppose this is an extension of my last post. WORDS HAVE POWER! but I need to extrapolate the text further, ‘…even words you don’t think were powerful, often are.’
But, this year? I DO have a resolution. I am going to be MORE ME than ever. I’m going to connect more. And for the first time, I can honestly say, not to ‘spite the fuckers.’ (my motivation for almost everything) Because those of you who do care about me, care about me because I am me. (as I write this I REALLY ain’t feeling it, but I’m trying 😉 )
I have decided to throw myself into my writing because it has to help ‘SOMEONE’ even if that ‘someone’ is just me!
I guess I’m having a bad day because ‘I DON’T WANT TO BE ME’ still! But, I have no choice in that, the one thing I DO have a choice in is choosing to look at the silver lining around the cloud. Even if, that silver lining is just … ‘THE ONLY WAY IS UP!’
I choose ‘UP!’ and I’ve just decided, THAT IS my new year’s resolution!
So, happy new year to you all!
And raise your glasses to
Whatever your ‘collateral damage is! 😉