Recently, I have found something quite distressing has been happening to me. My circumstances have not changed and yet every day little by little an extraordinarily potent sense of apathy has crept into my senses and is robbing me of all my peace.
I know what it is and many of you do too. That ugly word ‘Depression’.
The most important thing I feel about it is that people understand, I am not sad. It is more important they know, I am not happy, either and therein lies the issue.
I am ‘nothing’.
It is the feel of an enormous vacuum with-in me. I feel like something is missing but I don’t know what it is, which in turn is causing great anxiety. My analytical nature is not helping AT ALL! 😉 Because, it seems a constant awareness, is replacing my ‘put it in a box and flick it up into the corner of your head’ coping mechanism, which I usually do.
BTW: I KNOW this isn’t a healthy coping mechanism and am pretty sure if I ever got the help I require, my fees, could pay off a psychiatrists mortgage!
Anyway, back to the depression thing; I can honestly say, nothing, would change this feeling; not success, not failure, nothing. I just feel nothing. I take no enjoyment from anything but what is worse is the knowledge that it is a chemical reaction in my brain and I really feel, I just have to ride it out.
I’m trying to be preemptive, avoiding things that I think will lower my mood and so, my mood isn’t low but it’s a weird limbo kind of feeling because as someone with ADHD I am used to feeling ridiculously high or suicidal and nothing between, at least 500 times a day. It is safe to say at the present time, I am ‘feeling the nothing in between,’ permanently and it is agonising.
The thing with ADHD is, I am prescribed methylphenidate and so finding the accurate treatment for depression is rather difficult. Usually, you can ‘google’ this sort of thing and get some idea, but all I get when I ‘google’ is.
A. D. H. D?
Stimulant medication can help!
Like, thank you for that! HOWEVER…
I HAVE A. D. H. D.
I AM medicated.
IT IS a stimulant medication and guess what?
STILL depressed! 😦
I KNOW I should go to G. P. and inquire of her but to be perfectly frank my G. P. is rather ignorant of the condition (not her fault she is a general practitioner, so…) and she would only refer me to the A. D. H. D. clinic here, which specialises in medication and as I’ve already mentioned I am ALREADY on a stimulant type. It actually works for the rest of my symptoms and I am rather reluctant to try another sort because if you have A. D. H. D. one thing you will know is finding a medication that works is highly fraught with issues.
Slow release medications did NOT work for me and I had to wait a few months to change (due to how long it gets to get another appointment with these clinics) which, of course, meant my whole life went to shit in the interim!
But, I’m depressed. I got dressed yesterday in something that was not pyjama’s for the first time this year! THIS YEAR! And even after that, I thought it was pointless! It took me most of the day to do it and then I only put another pair of pyjamas on, a few hours later.
I don’t leave the house (if I can help it – aside to running over the road to the shop – in my PJ’s 😉 ). To be fair, presently, it is 8 degrees outside and that has been the main reason for my ‘staying in’. The only thing that lifts me any is writing but I’ve even been finding that pretty overwhelming at the moment. And it isn’t ‘writers block.’
I KNOW what is to be written I just can’t face opening the document and doing it! (EDIT: Have to say though writing this is helping a bit 🙂 )
I see my G. P. to be weighed and have my blood pressure taken every 2 months, saw her in January, so next time I need to see her is March obviously and I’m actually reluctant to mention this, because, well I have to see her, to be weighed and have my blood pressure taken, on these meds, what if changing medications effects that also? (It is worth mentioning, the dispensing of my meds is conditional as to my weight being above a certain point, if it drops, I’m left unmedicated! Which, SUCKS SO HARD) My weight is hovering around 40K (6 stone-ish)as it is. I can’t afford to change medications and it mess around with me like that. (take into consideration my weight has been static around this number for the past 30 years, at least 25 years before I was placed on ANY medication, a reduction in it would still be bad!) The thought of addressing this issue with my G. P. and being referred to the A. D. H. D clinic actually causes me MORE anxiety than just being depressed! So, I need to look at alternatives, don’t I?
HAHAHA! Because I SO have the attention span for that don’t I? 😥
I possibly should at least walk around the block once a day but its cold outside!
Oh God, I’m depressed!
Oh and btw! BBC breakfast? Please stop reporting on the twat that is Donald Trump! Because I can’t… I just really can’t, even! 😦
EDIT; If you don’t have A. D. H. D. please don’t offer your opinion’s, if it was as easy as going on anti-depressants I would not have posted this. BUT if you DO have ADHD and have knowledge of how this issue can be navigated please advise