Just be!

“You are judged on your behaviour.”

This statement has been one that has hung over me my whole life!

I am a terrible Christian. I mean, dreadful, I have tried my whole life to be a good Christian but have always felt like an imposter within the body of Christ because try as I might, I struggle with my flesh not daily, but minutely. I swear like a sailor and smoke like a chimney, (I quit for 2 years but since lockdown have unfortunately started again) I live with a man who isn’t my husband, just for starters. (How can you do those things? Most of them are out of my own control)

But I love Jesus! And no matter how much I want my behaviour to be correct, ultimately, you can take it to the bank, it will not be. – I speak my mind, at length and rapidly. Many have inappropriate thoughts, if I have them…wait… no, when I have them, you will know because, the minute it enters my head it rapidly exits my mouth! I love the word and spend all day, every day in study of it and in study of Him but my behaviour is neurologically out of my control. such is the symptomology of ADHD.

This made my ‘imposter syndrome’ within a church setting even more so. I always had a sense of, if you really knew me you would cast me out.

This put a serious dent in my ability to connect in a meaningful way with people within the body of Christ. It wasn’t helped by the performance based churches I had been a part of. Which in turn affected my ability to connect with anyone.

I always said,

“I love you Lord but those people you died for? I just don’t get it!”

despite this, I understood there is something about the corporate anointing that I desired but at that time, I was so damaged, I couldn’t even begin to, bare to think about it. I’d worship with my albums and worship playlists and I receive word through videos (Praise God for YouTube! – and the E-church at the Potters house!)

See, the thing is, I needed to be sanctified for a while. I stayed away from the church in order to be able to be effective within it. Until my vision of what church was, was completely removed I couldn’t be a part of it and once it was, I became ready and I found the most wonderful church and church family ever. – starting the relationship with the above, disclaimer, I swear like a sailor, I try to be good but can’t etc, etc! If you’re going to reject me, do it now so we can get it out of the way 😉 Surprise, surprise, they accepted me with open arms and just loved me hard! (I know, I was surprised that my experience had caused me to view them in such a way and it was a revelation that I had been given such a skewed view of the body)

However, My behaviour is still an issue and no doubt, always will be, I still say inappropriate things, to his face but I no longer feel that he covers his face and shakes his head in despair at my behaviour. Nothing I can do can make him love me more? Ergo, nothing I can do will make him love me less. He has shown me that he can still use me and that the closer I get to him, the more like him I become

and it is through that, that my behaviour gets better, NOT through trying to be better.

I have ADHD, I stopped trying to behave a VERY long time ago because there was little point, the word says he will give you the desires of your heart and he gave me the desire to know him more, so I just draw closer to him and as long as that is my sole focus? People actually see him when they look at me (which is mad to me) He has shown me being a Christian isn’t about behaviour, it’s about drawing close to him and seeking him.

Christ didn’t come to change behaviour, he came to change hearts!

You know what I have to do to be a real Christian?

Just be…

And he does the rest! 😉 and I’m not a bad Christian, I’m a person who has a real relationship with Christ and has struggles but who is victorious through that knowledge of him. Christian means ‘little Christ’ and I’m as close to that as any soul can get!

I am actually learning that in order for Christ to work in my life, all I need to do is get out of the way!

Child of God, whatever your struggle is know that if you surrender to him, he is the one who will do it, stop trying, stop forcing it. God isn’t interested in your performance so much as he is interested in you and who you can be when you allow him to work in you!

You are not an imposter, you are his child, he loves you and more than that…

he sees you

and whatever it is that ails you that makes you feel like you are not his child, give it to him and let it go, completely, don’t try to change it yourself, you are not able

but he, he IS able!

EDIT: And I have to add, I don’t swear as much anymore, I cannot say that when I stub my toe the word ‘fiddlesticks’ comes out but it is no longer my tribal language, but that I do not, is entirely HIS effort, not mine!